Test my resolve. Please. The ground on which you stand, may soon become the ground on which you lie.
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
Friday, July 9, 2010
Such a Pretty Little Mouse, thought Lenny
Is it wrong that I don't like most of the people that surround me? I truly feel my life would be...well unaltered...if most of them just went away. The very honest truth is that they bore me, annoy me, irritate me, or just amaze me (not in a good way). So many times I am forcing myself to fit into a social setting. I smile because that is what the people around me are doing...smiling, laughing, engaging in conversation. I'm truly not interested...but I will put on the face that is expected of me. I'll help a person that I superficially refer to as a "friend"...when they are, in fact, not really what I consider a friend. I censor absolutely everything that comes out of my mouth...which is a hard thing to do! When my mind is thinking, "you're a dumb ass, I mean a real f-ing idiot"...and my mouth says "oh, that's so interesting"....it really takes a bit of training and coordination. Inside my mind and heart, I'm not the American sweetheart they think I am. I am so absolutely tuned in to a persons body language that I want to "out" them most of the time, and that's another thing I find difficult to deal with. I want to call them out for being as superficial as I am...the main difference being~they would deny it & I would applaude it. And this is a big reason, if not the biggest reason, that I don't drink...because when I do- the lines between those two thoughts become blurred and I will say exactly what I am thinking. If I could have about 5 people as my only social interaction...put blinders on my eyes and black out the world in the periphery.....I believe I would be blissfully happy.
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
I'll Bring the Balloons
The worst sound I have heard in my life was in Oxnard, California in a hospital's emergency room. I can't remember why I was there...was I sick? Were the kids sick? I don't know. I do remember being in a very full waiting room with no more chairs to sit on. And we were there for so long, that I laid on the floor near the wall...there were many other people who had the same idea and used their jackets, backpacks, purses and loved ones to rest on. In a rush of police, sirens, a large group of people pouring in the door...a young man was brought in on a stretcher through the ambulance bay. I could hear the radios from the police officers, and the family members talking back and forth and from this gathered there had been a shooting. "where's his mom?" one said, "she'll be here shortly" was the reply. About twenty minutes later, a very distraught woman arrived...barely able to walk due to sobbing. She was immediately escorted to a small room next to where I was laying. Then a doctor and a couple nurses came out the double doors. One look at their faces and I knew the message they were about to deliver to this family. I heard a muffle of sounds from the doctor...including words like, "critical", "fatal", "loss", "tragedy"....what followed was a sound that I have never forgotten. A mother, in her hopeless desperation....opened her mouth and let out a scream of pain and agony comparable only to something that I could imagine coming from the belly of a fallen god. Then spats of hatred and anger towards her God, followed by words of anger toward the hospital staff. How could they let him die? Why weren't they doing anything? Her final consensus resting on the fact that he was a black boy and the doctor and staff were white....he was just another punk kid...and that's why they let him die. How kind of them to alleviate his burden on our society...
Here's where I lose my popularity: At that very moment, I thought she was a fool. A hypocrite. A racist. Selfish.
If I were to ask any person who is of the Christian religion what their idea of the happenings after death were, I would most likely be recited some lines from the bible about streets of gold....heaven, hell, and purgatory. Big pearly gates and a very over worked, long bearded saint in long white robes working bouncer and checking his naughty & nice list. I would most likely hear a list of rules that ought to govern our behavior, that were magically carved in stone by "God" and given to an ailing old man to carry down a mountain. I am sure there are some stories from this book that are meant to be taken literally...I mean, I'm sure the burning bush wasn't something Mary Magdalen picked up from one of her clients...but a talking burning bush? It just gives me flashes of Cheech & Chong, and makes me wonder what sort of plant had caught fire...hmm- back to the point. This place, this form of "heaven", is described as a quite lovely place to hang out for eternity...no pain or suffering....yadda yadda yadda....is almost guaranteed to children, those who follow the rules in this book and swear oaths to the belief of Jesus and the virgin Mary (a different one...without a burning bush), and take a bath in a slightly oily & salty water. If you hang this torture device (a cross) on your walls and in your churches, it is a sure sign that you are a "believer" and appears to be your "in". I wonder if I hang guillotines in the rooms of my home, would it would prove that I'm a fan of the Royal Family?....hmmmm. Well, it seems that in this religion, although a dead loved one gets to meet their creator, and walk on streets of gold and wear fancy white robes...we should scream and cry, curse the sun and shake our fists to the sky, when they have passed on to this wondrous place. And the two of you won't be separated forever, because when you die....you get to be reunited! YAY! Hypocrisy? Kinda sounds like it. The Christian faith teaches its members to be happy for one another when good things happen to them...."oh praise baby Jesus!" But, if you don't like the method in which that person receives their glory, then you're allowed to have this emotional instability? I'm just trying to understand this. You see, I'm not of this belief...if you couldn't denote on your very own. I know death is a rite of passage. That crying has a foundation only in our own selfishness. I know I am going to miss the company of that person, I will miss seeing their smiling face, I will miss hearing their voice....I will miss watching them grow (in the instance of losing a child), I will miss hugs and kisses...do you notice a trend here? I, I, I....and I. When my mom leaves on a plane to fly back to her home, I don't have a large get together with overly priced bouquets and finger foods, and hire someone to play sad music on a piano; all because I will miss her until I get to see her again and this elaborate ritual is what I have learned from generations prior. Mourning is a pity party...a very selfish and self fulfilling ritual. What makes it even more interesting is when Christianity is involved. Isn't mourning the death of a fellow Christian, in fact, against the teachings of Christianity? And now that this "God" hasn't given her what she wants for her life, she shall denounce him and shake her fists in anger. And before you have a chance to say...."not what she wanted for her life, but what he wanted for his"..just let me stomp on that idea. This deceased body has no wants, no needs, no thoughts....if you refer to your own little book of "what to do's", you will read that there are no wants in heaven, no needs and no mourning for past lives.
Anger towards a doctor? Once again....this bible teaches there is nothing more powerful than "God" the Almighty....the Alpha and the Omega...When a mere human stands before this God, he is to be humbled and not even deserve to remain in "Gods" presence nor to look upon his face. Explain....according to this bible, who is going to win in a battle for a humans life?? Man or God? (Now, please understand, this is a completely different subject from medical malpractice...where the negligence of a physician leads to the death of loved one. An occurrence that I had the misfortune to watch a family experience. In this case, anger is a major course in the mourning process, and completely acceptable. Anger, having a foundation in our inability to change a thing, is an emotion that is very contagious and easy to comprehend.)
Why are we so afraid to admit what this process really is? Why is it so terrible to just admit that we are selfish by nature and the only thing we are truly mourning is our own unfulfilled desires for that persons life? Its really ok...no need to involve "God"...or blame doctors...or curse the sky and spit on the earth. Its an elaborate and socially acceptable temper tantrum for which people will actually send you flowers.
Here's where I lose my popularity: At that very moment, I thought she was a fool. A hypocrite. A racist. Selfish.
If I were to ask any person who is of the Christian religion what their idea of the happenings after death were, I would most likely be recited some lines from the bible about streets of gold....heaven, hell, and purgatory. Big pearly gates and a very over worked, long bearded saint in long white robes working bouncer and checking his naughty & nice list. I would most likely hear a list of rules that ought to govern our behavior, that were magically carved in stone by "God" and given to an ailing old man to carry down a mountain. I am sure there are some stories from this book that are meant to be taken literally...I mean, I'm sure the burning bush wasn't something Mary Magdalen picked up from one of her clients...but a talking burning bush? It just gives me flashes of Cheech & Chong, and makes me wonder what sort of plant had caught fire...hmm- back to the point. This place, this form of "heaven", is described as a quite lovely place to hang out for eternity...no pain or suffering....yadda yadda yadda....is almost guaranteed to children, those who follow the rules in this book and swear oaths to the belief of Jesus and the virgin Mary (a different one...without a burning bush), and take a bath in a slightly oily & salty water. If you hang this torture device (a cross) on your walls and in your churches, it is a sure sign that you are a "believer" and appears to be your "in". I wonder if I hang guillotines in the rooms of my home, would it would prove that I'm a fan of the Royal Family?....hmmmm. Well, it seems that in this religion, although a dead loved one gets to meet their creator, and walk on streets of gold and wear fancy white robes...we should scream and cry, curse the sun and shake our fists to the sky, when they have passed on to this wondrous place. And the two of you won't be separated forever, because when you die....you get to be reunited! YAY! Hypocrisy? Kinda sounds like it. The Christian faith teaches its members to be happy for one another when good things happen to them...."oh praise baby Jesus!" But, if you don't like the method in which that person receives their glory, then you're allowed to have this emotional instability? I'm just trying to understand this. You see, I'm not of this belief...if you couldn't denote on your very own. I know death is a rite of passage. That crying has a foundation only in our own selfishness. I know I am going to miss the company of that person, I will miss seeing their smiling face, I will miss hearing their voice....I will miss watching them grow (in the instance of losing a child), I will miss hugs and kisses...do you notice a trend here? I, I, I....and I. When my mom leaves on a plane to fly back to her home, I don't have a large get together with overly priced bouquets and finger foods, and hire someone to play sad music on a piano; all because I will miss her until I get to see her again and this elaborate ritual is what I have learned from generations prior. Mourning is a pity party...a very selfish and self fulfilling ritual. What makes it even more interesting is when Christianity is involved. Isn't mourning the death of a fellow Christian, in fact, against the teachings of Christianity? And now that this "God" hasn't given her what she wants for her life, she shall denounce him and shake her fists in anger. And before you have a chance to say...."not what she wanted for her life, but what he wanted for his"..just let me stomp on that idea. This deceased body has no wants, no needs, no thoughts....if you refer to your own little book of "what to do's", you will read that there are no wants in heaven, no needs and no mourning for past lives.
Anger towards a doctor? Once again....this bible teaches there is nothing more powerful than "God" the Almighty....the Alpha and the Omega...When a mere human stands before this God, he is to be humbled and not even deserve to remain in "Gods" presence nor to look upon his face. Explain....according to this bible, who is going to win in a battle for a humans life?? Man or God? (Now, please understand, this is a completely different subject from medical malpractice...where the negligence of a physician leads to the death of loved one. An occurrence that I had the misfortune to watch a family experience. In this case, anger is a major course in the mourning process, and completely acceptable. Anger, having a foundation in our inability to change a thing, is an emotion that is very contagious and easy to comprehend.)
Why are we so afraid to admit what this process really is? Why is it so terrible to just admit that we are selfish by nature and the only thing we are truly mourning is our own unfulfilled desires for that persons life? Its really ok...no need to involve "God"...or blame doctors...or curse the sky and spit on the earth. Its an elaborate and socially acceptable temper tantrum for which people will actually send you flowers.
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