Is it wrong that I don't like most of the people that surround me? I truly feel my life would be...well unaltered...if most of them just went away. The very honest truth is that they bore me, annoy me, irritate me, or just amaze me (not in a good way). So many times I am forcing myself to fit into a social setting. I smile because that is what the people around me are doing...smiling, laughing, engaging in conversation. I'm truly not interested...but I will put on the face that is expected of me. I'll help a person that I superficially refer to as a "friend"...when they are, in fact, not really what I consider a friend. I censor absolutely everything that comes out of my mouth...which is a hard thing to do! When my mind is thinking, "you're a dumb ass, I mean a real f-ing idiot"...and my mouth says "oh, that's so interesting"....it really takes a bit of training and coordination. Inside my mind and heart, I'm not the American sweetheart they think I am. I am so absolutely tuned in to a persons body language that I want to "out" them most of the time, and that's another thing I find difficult to deal with. I want to call them out for being as superficial as I am...the main difference being~they would deny it & I would applaude it. And this is a big reason, if not the biggest reason, that I don't drink...because when I do- the lines between those two thoughts become blurred and I will say exactly what I am thinking. If I could have about 5 people as my only social interaction...put blinders on my eyes and black out the world in the periphery.....I believe I would be blissfully happy.
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